damn bored n this is my first posting in noon. oops... Eut, if u had been looking at this, sorry k. very bored n thought of blogging. no one ard to talk to, better still to scold...
so much things to clear but there is no mood. had a short nap with lights off while waiting for the sms from eut. eut is busy n i dun wanna disturb. feels so sleepy. would love to go to my bed n roll over. came across this beautiful poem.
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
in which there is no I or you
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand
so intimate that when you fall asleep it is my eyes that close
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
frens views yammi
Your name: Yasmin Ansari
Where did we meet? NTSS sec one... e1/4
Take a stab at my middle name: No middle name
How long have you known me?: 4 1/2 years
Do I smoke?: nope
Do I believe in God?: yes
What was your first impression of me upon meeting?: quiet girl... ;p
What's my age?: 19And my birthday?: 30/01/83 ( fayaaaaa my bday is 7/02 not 12/02 =((( )
What colour hair do I have?: black
And colour eyes: brown (biologically, no one can have black eyes)
Do I have any siblings?: Yes, you do
Have you ever had a crush on me? (FOR GIRLS ONLY): - hehe
What's one of my favourite things to do?: reading
Do you remember one of the first things I said to you?: hi?
What's my favourite type of music?: tamil songs ( hehe)
What is the best feature about me?: ur smile
Am I shy or outgoing?: SHY
Would you say I am funny?: maybe to u too ;p>> > > > >
Am I a rebel or do follow all the rules?: actually the follow the >>rules type but TRYING to be REBEL>> > >
Any special talents?: making me SMILE>> > > > >
Would you consider me a friend?: OBVIOSLY! my best fren in the >>whole world
Have you ever seen me cry?: nope, faya is strong girl. when i go NZ oso she nv cry
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?: fayaaaaaaa
What's your favourite memory of me?: being MY best friend and ONLY MY best fren
What single trait about me annoys you the most?: forever teasing me ... but i like it =)
>> > > > > If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what would you >>want to take > > with us?; we just need us... nothing else
Where did we meet? NTSS sec one... e1/4
Take a stab at my middle name: No middle name
How long have you known me?: 4 1/2 years
Do I smoke?: nope
Do I believe in God?: yes
What was your first impression of me upon meeting?: quiet girl... ;p
What's my age?: 19And my birthday?: 30/01/83 ( fayaaaaa my bday is 7/02 not 12/02 =((( )
What colour hair do I have?: black
And colour eyes: brown (biologically, no one can have black eyes)
Do I have any siblings?: Yes, you do
Have you ever had a crush on me? (FOR GIRLS ONLY): - hehe
What's one of my favourite things to do?: reading
Do you remember one of the first things I said to you?: hi?
What's my favourite type of music?: tamil songs ( hehe)
What is the best feature about me?: ur smile
Am I shy or outgoing?: SHY
Would you say I am funny?: maybe to u too ;p>> > > > >
Am I a rebel or do follow all the rules?: actually the follow the >>rules type but TRYING to be REBEL>> > >
Any special talents?: making me SMILE>> > > > >
Would you consider me a friend?: OBVIOSLY! my best fren in the >>whole world
Have you ever seen me cry?: nope, faya is strong girl. when i go NZ oso she nv cry
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?: fayaaaaaaa
What's your favourite memory of me?: being MY best friend and ONLY MY best fren
What single trait about me annoys you the most?: forever teasing me ... but i like it =)
>> > > > > If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what would you >>want to take > > with us?; we just need us... nothing else
frens views arshad
Your name:
Arshad ( Mohamed Arshad)
Where did we meet?:
Online ( dont feel it was online)
Take a stab at my middle name:
wat u mean i don understand
How long have you known me?:
actually less than 3 years but feel as if i have been wit u all my ages
Do I smoke?:
I realy doubt coz my rifa capable of anything smoking is juz nothing for her hehe ( want to try ? ) hehe
Do I believe in God?:
Yes!!!!!!!
What was your first impression of me upon meeting?:
Meeting u online evrytime makes me soo happy,insha allah meeting in person might get me rain over my eyes:)
What's my age?:
A 19 year old kelavi ( i call upon my team mate to protect me--- hehe)
And my birthday?:
to be true i dont remember the dates - ( dont give that stare i really forget as i dont mind toking to a kelavi)
What colour hair do I have?:
Hopefully Black and long for me to play with
And colour eyes:
Never noticed the colour but i still wish to be a raincoat for ur eyes
Do I have any siblings?:
Of coz u got the best of the siblings Masha allah ( u have My Jaria in u r Army )
Have you ever had a crush on me? (FOR GIRLS ONLY):
haha this is for gals only
What's one of my favourite things to do?:
Iam sure its Dreaming abt Mr Halil ( pls dont say no.... hehe)
Do you remember one of the first things I said to you?:
I never know u were my Rifa wen i asked for ur ASL in the mirc chat
thank god u replied me !!
i dont remember wat u said first to me
but i still remember Rifa Apologising me for not being in touch wit me for almost 1year ( u remember i was juz sending emails to a dead end hoping for my rifa to reply hehehe )
What's my favourite type of music?:
U love Tamil Oldies and a Fan of Mohan old songs ami rite ?
What is the best feature about me?:
cannot point out a single best feature ,too many features dashing my mind ( iam sure wat rifa does ends up as a gd feature except wen she toks bak to her mom wen she complains for toking too much ... hehe don be angry on me coz iam pointing out this)
Am I shy or outgoing?:
Not shy always but once wen want to tok abt Halil can see u blush hehe,
Your Are a naughty baby :)
Would you say I am funny?:
Toking funny things does not mean u r funny understand!!!
Am I a rebel or do follow all the rules?:
Not actually a rebel but u wish to be free of rules rite ?
Any special talents?:
make me smile wat ever mood i might be in,and i bet u can make me emotional very soon
Would you consider me a friend?:
ya word more than a fren,a a small mother , a person living inside myself, my guardian angel for sure and my best protection is u
Have you ever seen me cry?:
pls i dont want to see it any time again
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?:
My Rifa - Always
What's your favourite memory of me?:
ur name the sweetest word, love to spell wen iam very down- energy drink :) ----- do u think energy drinks are fake? hehe Rifa is 1 of the real
What single trait about me annoys you the most?:
i love evrything frm u nothing to annoyyyyyyyyyyyyed -- wat a stupid question to ask me ( u know i love to be scolded by my rifa )
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what would you want to take with us? :
I want my jaria to be wit me plsssss she the only 1 who can save frm rifa hehe :) kidding ma dont wish to take anything
can get evrything frm Rifaya her love,smile,kindness,care ,she not juz a happiness but a medicine for my wounds wat else i want ? :)
my dear i thought this was juz a forward mail ,never knew it would help me tink soo much
dont think iam toking too much or always toking high to make things intersting
wat say is very true frm my heart :)
Arshad ( Mohamed Arshad)
Where did we meet?:
Online ( dont feel it was online)
Take a stab at my middle name:
wat u mean i don understand
How long have you known me?:
actually less than 3 years but feel as if i have been wit u all my ages
Do I smoke?:
I realy doubt coz my rifa capable of anything smoking is juz nothing for her hehe ( want to try ? ) hehe
Do I believe in God?:
Yes!!!!!!!
What was your first impression of me upon meeting?:
Meeting u online evrytime makes me soo happy,insha allah meeting in person might get me rain over my eyes:)
What's my age?:
A 19 year old kelavi ( i call upon my team mate to protect me--- hehe)
And my birthday?:
to be true i dont remember the dates - ( dont give that stare i really forget as i dont mind toking to a kelavi)
What colour hair do I have?:
Hopefully Black and long for me to play with
And colour eyes:
Never noticed the colour but i still wish to be a raincoat for ur eyes
Do I have any siblings?:
Of coz u got the best of the siblings Masha allah ( u have My Jaria in u r Army )
Have you ever had a crush on me? (FOR GIRLS ONLY):
haha this is for gals only
What's one of my favourite things to do?:
Iam sure its Dreaming abt Mr Halil ( pls dont say no.... hehe)
Do you remember one of the first things I said to you?:
I never know u were my Rifa wen i asked for ur ASL in the mirc chat
thank god u replied me !!
i dont remember wat u said first to me
but i still remember Rifa Apologising me for not being in touch wit me for almost 1year ( u remember i was juz sending emails to a dead end hoping for my rifa to reply hehehe )
What's my favourite type of music?:
U love Tamil Oldies and a Fan of Mohan old songs ami rite ?
What is the best feature about me?:
cannot point out a single best feature ,too many features dashing my mind ( iam sure wat rifa does ends up as a gd feature except wen she toks bak to her mom wen she complains for toking too much ... hehe don be angry on me coz iam pointing out this)
Am I shy or outgoing?:
Not shy always but once wen want to tok abt Halil can see u blush hehe,
Your Are a naughty baby :)
Would you say I am funny?:
Toking funny things does not mean u r funny understand!!!
Am I a rebel or do follow all the rules?:
Not actually a rebel but u wish to be free of rules rite ?
Any special talents?:
make me smile wat ever mood i might be in,and i bet u can make me emotional very soon
Would you consider me a friend?:
ya word more than a fren,a a small mother , a person living inside myself, my guardian angel for sure and my best protection is u
Have you ever seen me cry?:
pls i dont want to see it any time again
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?:
My Rifa - Always
What's your favourite memory of me?:
ur name the sweetest word, love to spell wen iam very down- energy drink :) ----- do u think energy drinks are fake? hehe Rifa is 1 of the real
What single trait about me annoys you the most?:
i love evrything frm u nothing to annoyyyyyyyyyyyyed -- wat a stupid question to ask me ( u know i love to be scolded by my rifa )
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what would you want to take with us? :
I want my jaria to be wit me plsssss she the only 1 who can save frm rifa hehe :) kidding ma dont wish to take anything
can get evrything frm Rifaya her love,smile,kindness,care ,she not juz a happiness but a medicine for my wounds wat else i want ? :)
my dear i thought this was juz a forward mail ,never knew it would help me tink soo much
dont think iam toking too much or always toking high to make things intersting
wat say is very true frm my heart :)
Sunday, December 16, 2007
something about feelings...........
Love
Love is not an emotion, it is your very existence.
Here are the signs of love.
When you love someone, you see nothing wrong with them.
When you love someone, you want to see them always happy and you want them to have the best.
Love is the highest strength, yet it makes you absolutely weak
Love cannot tolerate distance, and hatred cannot tolerate nearness.
You can experience love, but you cannot describe it or express it totally.
Love is beyond sight, touch, smell, taste, and sound.
When there is Love, there is no ego; ego dissolves like the dew drops with the sun.
In the company of one who is living Love, you also cant but spring into that Love.
Love is that phenomenon of dissolving, disappearing, merging, becoming one with.
Love is that phenomenon of total letting go.
The seers, the seen, and the process of seeing all merge. The knowledge, the knower, and the known, they all merge, become one & that is Divine Love.
Anger
In ignorance anger is cheap and a smile is costly
Make your smile cheaper and you anger expensive.
The anger of the enlightened is a blessing Silence
Silence is the goal of all answers. If an answer does not silence the mind, it is no answer
Only Silence is complete
Smiling with all the existence is Silence
Purpose of words is to create silence.
Freedom
Break through the barrier of the rational mind and find freedom for yourself
Freedom is your very nature. Only with freedom do joy, generosity and other human values blossom
Just an intention to be free makes you immediately free.
Discipline protects freedom. You can choose to focus either on freedom or discipline, and this makes you happy or unhappy.
Freedom without discipline is like a country without a defense.
Respect
Respect for the Self is faith and faith is being open
Have respect for the Self and no one can take your self respect
Someone does not need to be great in order to be respected. Respecting life makes you great.
Ego
The "I" or ego in you is a tiny atom
Ego is separateness, non-belongingness
The head level is safe for the ego. The heart level breaks the ego. The solve level dissolves the ego
The inability to communicate occurs because of ego
Someone experiences bliss, and that bliss, itself, becomes a trip for the ego. So the ego, in turn, destroys the infinity, the joy, the bliss.
Peace
This world is a mystery. Love is a mystery. Life is a mystery. Your sleep is a mystery. And mystery transcends reasoning.
Peace is your very nature. Peace is your innate nature---it cannot go away from you.
Mind
As long as some desires linger in your mind, your mind cannot be at total rest
Small mind promises joy and leaves your hand empty. Big Mind may bring resistance in the beginning but fills you with joy.
There must be awareness in the mind, love in the heart, and righteousness in action
The mind that is seeking pleasure cannot be centered.
Your mind is a flow. Your mind is a continuum that is ever changing, ever changing.
Your concept in the mind that things should be a certain way causes pain in the mind. The cause of distress is set concepts in the mind.
Habits
Habits will clog you when there is no liveliness or juice in life. When there is a direction for life force, you can rise above habits.
Your inability to do something (break a habit) can cause a pinch; when you are deeply pained by something, then that will rid you of that habit.
Desire
Intimacy often gets broken because of ego or your desire.
Desire appears to lead you to happiness. In fact it cannot. And that is why it is Maya.
The greater the intensity of desire and the later it gets fulfilled, then greater will be the gratitude.
Desire and distress go together. Your desire, when it gets fulfilled, gives another desire and another desire. With each desire, distress is simply postponed.
Dealing With Blame
When someone blames you, what do you usually do? Blame them back or you put up resistance in yourself. When someone blames you, they actually take away some negative karma from you.
Senses
The senses are like fire. Your life is also like fire. In the fire of senses, whatever you put in burns. If you burn tires, it creates pollution and bad smell. But if you burn sandalwood, it creates fragrance.
Smile
Be light. Smile. Drop. Learn the tendency to drop and smile and move through.
The sign of life is enthusiasm. The sign of success is smile and joy
Now. Now. Now. Cultivate this habit of dropping the past. Then you can smile.
Are we in the psychology class or what??? But this talks sense. ... enuf for now... n adieus...
Love
Love is not an emotion, it is your very existence.
Here are the signs of love.
When you love someone, you see nothing wrong with them.
When you love someone, you want to see them always happy and you want them to have the best.
Love is the highest strength, yet it makes you absolutely weak
Love cannot tolerate distance, and hatred cannot tolerate nearness.
You can experience love, but you cannot describe it or express it totally.
Love is beyond sight, touch, smell, taste, and sound.
When there is Love, there is no ego; ego dissolves like the dew drops with the sun.
In the company of one who is living Love, you also cant but spring into that Love.
Love is that phenomenon of dissolving, disappearing, merging, becoming one with.
Love is that phenomenon of total letting go.
The seers, the seen, and the process of seeing all merge. The knowledge, the knower, and the known, they all merge, become one & that is Divine Love.
Anger
In ignorance anger is cheap and a smile is costly
Make your smile cheaper and you anger expensive.
The anger of the enlightened is a blessing Silence
Silence is the goal of all answers. If an answer does not silence the mind, it is no answer
Only Silence is complete
Smiling with all the existence is Silence
Purpose of words is to create silence.
Freedom
Break through the barrier of the rational mind and find freedom for yourself
Freedom is your very nature. Only with freedom do joy, generosity and other human values blossom
Just an intention to be free makes you immediately free.
Discipline protects freedom. You can choose to focus either on freedom or discipline, and this makes you happy or unhappy.
Freedom without discipline is like a country without a defense.
Respect
Respect for the Self is faith and faith is being open
Have respect for the Self and no one can take your self respect
Someone does not need to be great in order to be respected. Respecting life makes you great.
Ego
The "I" or ego in you is a tiny atom
Ego is separateness, non-belongingness
The head level is safe for the ego. The heart level breaks the ego. The solve level dissolves the ego
The inability to communicate occurs because of ego
Someone experiences bliss, and that bliss, itself, becomes a trip for the ego. So the ego, in turn, destroys the infinity, the joy, the bliss.
Peace
This world is a mystery. Love is a mystery. Life is a mystery. Your sleep is a mystery. And mystery transcends reasoning.
Peace is your very nature. Peace is your innate nature---it cannot go away from you.
Mind
As long as some desires linger in your mind, your mind cannot be at total rest
Small mind promises joy and leaves your hand empty. Big Mind may bring resistance in the beginning but fills you with joy.
There must be awareness in the mind, love in the heart, and righteousness in action
The mind that is seeking pleasure cannot be centered.
Your mind is a flow. Your mind is a continuum that is ever changing, ever changing.
Your concept in the mind that things should be a certain way causes pain in the mind. The cause of distress is set concepts in the mind.
Habits
Habits will clog you when there is no liveliness or juice in life. When there is a direction for life force, you can rise above habits.
Your inability to do something (break a habit) can cause a pinch; when you are deeply pained by something, then that will rid you of that habit.
Desire
Intimacy often gets broken because of ego or your desire.
Desire appears to lead you to happiness. In fact it cannot. And that is why it is Maya.
The greater the intensity of desire and the later it gets fulfilled, then greater will be the gratitude.
Desire and distress go together. Your desire, when it gets fulfilled, gives another desire and another desire. With each desire, distress is simply postponed.
Dealing With Blame
When someone blames you, what do you usually do? Blame them back or you put up resistance in yourself. When someone blames you, they actually take away some negative karma from you.
Senses
The senses are like fire. Your life is also like fire. In the fire of senses, whatever you put in burns. If you burn tires, it creates pollution and bad smell. But if you burn sandalwood, it creates fragrance.
Smile
Be light. Smile. Drop. Learn the tendency to drop and smile and move through.
The sign of life is enthusiasm. The sign of success is smile and joy
Now. Now. Now. Cultivate this habit of dropping the past. Then you can smile.
Are we in the psychology class or what??? But this talks sense. ... enuf for now... n adieus...
yuppies,, cousin bro is here n have been talking to him non stop. we spoke till dawn and its so nice to have him. talking so much stuffs. his wedding coming up on 3rd jan and he's damn much looking forward to it. my closest bro after jills...dats the nick for rilvan though started by raz. yeah missing rilvan as well... did not hear his scoldings for the last few days. just msg him..
what love is Exactly!!! Something to ponder upon.....
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest??
It isn't love, it's like.
You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right??
It isn't love, it's lust.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off??
It isn't love, it's luck.
Do you want them because you know they're there??
It isn't love , it's loneliness.
Are you there because it's what everyone wants??
It isn't love, it's loyalty.
Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand??
It isn't love, it's low confidence.
Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt them??
It isn't love, it's pity.
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat??
It isn't love, its infatuation.
Do you pardon their faults because you care about them??
It isn't love, it's friendship.
Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of??
It isn't love, it's a lie.
Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake??
It isn't love, it's charity.
THEN WHAT's LOVE ??????
Check this out.---------
Does your heart ache and break when they're sad??
Then it's love.
Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong??
Then it's love.
Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts??
Then it's love.
Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there??
Then it's love.
Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are??
Then it's love.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death??
Then it's love.
Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we love? Why is it,all, we search for, in life? This pain, this agony? Why is it, all, we long for?This torture, this powerful death of self ??? Why??? Why??? Why???The answer is so simple 'cause it's...LOVE. It is such an addictive thing that even people, who are not having it, wish to experience it and share it, with others as well.
what love is Exactly!!! Something to ponder upon.....
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest??
It isn't love, it's like.
You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right??
It isn't love, it's lust.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off??
It isn't love, it's luck.
Do you want them because you know they're there??
It isn't love , it's loneliness.
Are you there because it's what everyone wants??
It isn't love, it's loyalty.
Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand??
It isn't love, it's low confidence.
Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt them??
It isn't love, it's pity.
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat??
It isn't love, its infatuation.
Do you pardon their faults because you care about them??
It isn't love, it's friendship.
Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of??
It isn't love, it's a lie.
Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake??
It isn't love, it's charity.
THEN WHAT's LOVE ??????
Check this out.---------
Does your heart ache and break when they're sad??
Then it's love.
Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong??
Then it's love.
Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts??
Then it's love.
Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there??
Then it's love.
Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are??
Then it's love.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death??
Then it's love.
Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we love? Why is it,all, we search for, in life? This pain, this agony? Why is it, all, we long for?This torture, this powerful death of self ??? Why??? Why??? Why???The answer is so simple 'cause it's...LOVE. It is such an addictive thing that even people, who are not having it, wish to experience it and share it, with others as well.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
had a good dinner last night at seoul gardens. a girl's nite out and oh yeah , we enjoyed it. a bit of fooling around. there was this cute bro ( thambi probably) who kept on looking at siti. have asked him to take photo of 4 of us but it didn't turn out nice. other than that, we had fun. could not get to finish the food though..
a beautiful quotient
We never have what we like,
We never like what we have,
Still we Live, Love n Hope that
Someday
we'll get what we love
OR
we'll learn to love what we have
is this what life is all about? so strange but yet giving us ways to explore...
was reading an article on perfectionism n i do admit that i am bit of a perfectionist... it says even though being perfect is healthy but it tends to lead to mental problems... i hope i will not suffer that as i realise that no one is perfect n we have to learn to accept our mistakes... how true to myself can i be if i can't tolerate my worst? hmmm, this does not mean we should do mistakes knowingly....
something sad...
C (new nick) has gone 4 a holiday and have started missing him. told him directly that i'll miss him though. even other angels were missing him as we were talking lots abt him last nite. were suggesting to bring him out for bowling. insha allah, next year, k! will not get to have my usual dosage of laughter , motivation , self reflection for another 2 weeks. juz hope time will fly fast... and yeah, asked whether i have any bad feeling in staying put... said no CONFIDENTLY and i do wish i can stay to help him relieve the probs... but if he were to tell me that this is the last day n u should go, i'll leave proudly as well.
a beautiful quotient
We never have what we like,
We never like what we have,
Still we Live, Love n Hope that
Someday
we'll get what we love
OR
we'll learn to love what we have
is this what life is all about? so strange but yet giving us ways to explore...
was reading an article on perfectionism n i do admit that i am bit of a perfectionist... it says even though being perfect is healthy but it tends to lead to mental problems... i hope i will not suffer that as i realise that no one is perfect n we have to learn to accept our mistakes... how true to myself can i be if i can't tolerate my worst? hmmm, this does not mean we should do mistakes knowingly....
something sad...
C (new nick) has gone 4 a holiday and have started missing him. told him directly that i'll miss him though. even other angels were missing him as we were talking lots abt him last nite. were suggesting to bring him out for bowling. insha allah, next year, k! will not get to have my usual dosage of laughter , motivation , self reflection for another 2 weeks. juz hope time will fly fast... and yeah, asked whether i have any bad feeling in staying put... said no CONFIDENTLY and i do wish i can stay to help him relieve the probs... but if he were to tell me that this is the last day n u should go, i'll leave proudly as well.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
hating myself
overlooked something important
how can i forgive myself....
just cursing myself.....
real stupid me
no mood to work
dun wanna get out as well
waiting for that call
saying all the prayers i can remember...
pls allah! help us.....
how can i face...........
am so distressed!!!
dun feel pity for me pls... can't stand myself though!!
overlooked something important
how can i forgive myself....
just cursing myself.....
real stupid me
no mood to work
dun wanna get out as well
waiting for that call
saying all the prayers i can remember...
pls allah! help us.....
how can i face...........
am so distressed!!!
dun feel pity for me pls... can't stand myself though!!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
loner in the starry stary night
was thinking about what to start with and remembered the above book that i've read in primary school. yeah, here am I worrying myself again.... can i immerse in a pool of tears... but i know that crying will not relieve the probs that i am facing. i am too strong to cry out....
sometimes i wish i can die but i know that i am not a coward to adhere to this stupid thought. mom still dun understand me. she keeps on asking me y should i further my studies... she tells me that i've gotten married, have a kid, start up a family already... then wat is the reason to study...i told her straight that since she has not wanted me to study once i have finished my O, i have a passion build up in me then to keep on studying... more of a rebellious thought.. i juz love studying. have to ask grandma why she name me rIfAyA for... rifaya means brilliance and i do regret y i have not failed so far... mm, failed my sci paper at psle but still managed to get a good aggregate. .. am one of the very few to get distinctions in all my modules in my diploma.. even managed to pass my cat papers at first sitting..so far, no one from home had congratulated me on this... i dun wanna complain but this is a fact. feels so bad to write all this but i think i have to vent out on my blog..............
asked mom if any of her sons wish to study, would she have let? she says absolutely. then y am i not given the same priority... izzit coz i am a gal... ain't i supposed to have any dreams of my own... if the rest dun wanna study, it's their business. i dun interfere in their works and neither do i wish them to interfere in mine... does she think that i will be greedy once i study n earn more... i assure myself that i am not those type. i am a career minded girl but i know i'll never let anyone down... i hate the materialistic world.. i think she has thought about my guy who has not studied much and thinks that he may feels inferior if i were to keep on studying.... i am not a headstrong gal n i will never make him feel such... if i had this kinda thought earlier, y would i have married him.... he's too lovable... maybe he dun fully understand me now but i know we will come to love each other as the way we are.
sometimes i wish i can die but i know that i am not a coward to adhere to this stupid thought. mom still dun understand me. she keeps on asking me y should i further my studies... she tells me that i've gotten married, have a kid, start up a family already... then wat is the reason to study...i told her straight that since she has not wanted me to study once i have finished my O, i have a passion build up in me then to keep on studying... more of a rebellious thought.. i juz love studying. have to ask grandma why she name me rIfAyA for... rifaya means brilliance and i do regret y i have not failed so far... mm, failed my sci paper at psle but still managed to get a good aggregate. .. am one of the very few to get distinctions in all my modules in my diploma.. even managed to pass my cat papers at first sitting..so far, no one from home had congratulated me on this... i dun wanna complain but this is a fact. feels so bad to write all this but i think i have to vent out on my blog..............
asked mom if any of her sons wish to study, would she have let? she says absolutely. then y am i not given the same priority... izzit coz i am a gal... ain't i supposed to have any dreams of my own... if the rest dun wanna study, it's their business. i dun interfere in their works and neither do i wish them to interfere in mine... does she think that i will be greedy once i study n earn more... i assure myself that i am not those type. i am a career minded girl but i know i'll never let anyone down... i hate the materialistic world.. i think she has thought about my guy who has not studied much and thinks that he may feels inferior if i were to keep on studying.... i am not a headstrong gal n i will never make him feel such... if i had this kinda thought earlier, y would i have married him.... he's too lovable... maybe he dun fully understand me now but i know we will come to love each other as the way we are.
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