am reading a book called FUTURE ME

nice concept, this book is like a time traveller, asking people around about how they wish to see themselves in future in a day's, month's or even years' time. mm, what will the futureme be???good qn...
let me think in 10 years time...
have at least 4 kids (pray one of them is twin)
i just love TWINS maybe because i am a twin, with an idiot bro of mine AND just like my guy (he's a twin himself but has lost his twin sis at a younger age)

a bigger house ( landed property???maybe NOT as i am scared of stranded places)

be a good traveller ( pledging now to bring my kids wherever i go. i always tell myself that my kids should get to enjoy/experience all those that we didn't get to when we r young, travel at least once a year to all those exotic places

be a good wife
better ask Haleel. He'll say she's good but she does not listen to me esp when she's asked to wear jewellery. i can't stand gold jewellery n he prefers me to wear it whenever i go out esp those weddings n family gatherings. i always tell him that people should judge me for what i am and not for what i wear. he does not get it and we always quarrel on this stupid subject. other than that, i think i am doing my duties well. mother in law has not complained about me so far and only gets impatient in terms of me wearing jewellery. she asks y u buy so much when u dont wear?? i don't buy! my parents bought before and now my guy is buying for me. y gold gold gold? get me wear some ornaments in silver or glass and i'll adorn it

be a good worker
have to really strive hard for this

be a good mummy
hope to spend more time with kids. even if i can't be with them at their earlier age, really want to see when they r growing up. nowadays, fateen misses me lots and i am trying my best to spend as much time with him. wonder at times y i am studying, y i married, y i had a kid. isn't it nice to be single??? where u have no care in the world n can do all the things u wish to...time is over baby.......

listen to ppl
mom always complains that i don't listen to her n i do the exact opposite. she knows i am doing all the right thingss but i don't when she asks me to. i decide myself when i want to do. she can't stand it n thinks i am rude. i told her maybe it's my character. she's asking me to change it. i DON'T think i will but maybe try to please her. she knows jari is like her, always obedient and have a care for others. i am not that type as i always speak what's on my mind. i sometimes don't realise that ppl r hurt. but it's ME n can i change it?? good question though!!!!


more to come, i think . gonna cook for dinner, rilvan is outside watching a Chinese serial.. better cook something nice for him.........or else he gonna mumble. i have to shut his mouth by saying just one dialogue, get your WIFE to please u and not ME.

so rude....

A PROBLEM SHARED, IT IS WIDELY ACKNOWLEDGED, IS A PROBLEM SOLVED!

first day

today is the first day of work after announcing to everyone that i am still staying. was nervous and tensed as well. i would love to use a punch bag. no one said anything negative but my heart is like, ohmigod, y everyone is looking at me this way? are they gonna talk behind their back? i dunno but i am just TENSED. boss was in a good mood. always cheering me up.



weekend was okay. jari n rilvan came n together with fateen, went out shopping on saturday. bought gifts for Rasin. her 1st birthday is coming up. went to mom's place on sunday and stayed overnight. talked to rilvan and mom till 2am. he is into wedding dreams. asking mom to look for a gal for him. very conservative guy.. quite understanding.. talked about faizal ( jari's guy) jari was over protective of him. mmm, no pressure and no tension....

axn next day

it's time yeah n i have not made up my mind
asked fad if she still wants me to stay,
she said U BETTER!!!

talked to my boss' bro about the situation i am in n asked him what his suggestion would be. he said STAY

i called up my new co n told them dat i'll not be able to make it. they had requested for an email notification n i drafted that out..

boss came in to w0rk n he looked better a bit.

had i told u all what my boss was doing the other day when he didn't come to the office. browsing books and talking to other retailers to kill his time.... come on, he's my boss!!!!! how can he do this? i felt very bad n thought y i am the center of attractions for all these weird happenings....

he came to the restaurant where i take lunch (isn't this too much??) and sat opposite me n asked wats my decision
i said that i'll stay n he has to announce to the staffs that i am staying. that was a brave thought n i didn't know from where i got the courage to ask him to do that. told him to stop favoritising me. he has done so much for me n i dunno what i can do to repay all that. whenever this thought enters myself, i am crying inside..

oh Allah, give me the strength to regain from my weaknesses n to be a saviour.

even though he's my boss, i treat him like a bro and care for him in the same manner. i don't expect him to treat me as a sis but just treat me equally like others. i don't want to get biased by him (maybe i feel biased since he is like approving whatever reforms i wish to have) .n because of this, i don't want people to use their tongues as swords when speaking to me.. i will shrink into my dream space n get little lost when others demotivate me or my work.

maybe i am too young n naive to realise about others view of me... hope time will strengthen me..

oh yeah, let me continue.....
fad dun wanna tell me anything first n ask to wait till the next morn. i pestered her to tell n she told me dat my boss called her out for meeting..
i asked her is it about me.. she said yeah n continued relaying what my boss told her. i was so sad after i heard n i thought whatever it is, i've to speak to him.. don't know what he was doing at that time..
called his mobile n ask him to come down to the food court to have a talk..
i brought along fad and siti. we 3 r like the faces of triangle.. all have a sharp end n waiting to burst out.. we r the senior staffs who are working in there for more than 5 yrs.. isn't this a long period to work in a company??

boss came and we started talking
felt so pai seh to see him as i was the one who made him feel that way
because of my stupid MAYBE, all these r happening
n he has to undergo tremedous stress
if i could have wiped this situation by other means, i would have done that
seeing his sad look, i was close to tears. thank god it rolled out only once...

we talked n talked for an hour or so n he was like saying 'please stay' once a while n give me a look that's of like a child yearning for love. he talked about all things he can do for me.

frankly speaking, i am not just looking at the monetary value for my stay. i want him to achieve more n get the company to grow as it has lots of potential. i wanna be proud to tell my kids in future that i was working in this company n c how it has grown with the work of one n only man. since i am his sec, we confide with each other at times of our probs. i am sure he knows more about me n my mood swings than others.

he has put me in a dilemma.

first, i have to consider the prob he's going through with his family members for the running of the biz,
- n if i were to stay, i still have to interact with those who are acting their roles well at office( these r the creeps i can't stand n would luv 2 get rid)
- as i have already told my colleagues that my last day is on fri, how am i going to tell that i am not going anywhere as per the request of my boss,,, i am sure they r gonna laugh
- how about if i'd died?? someone would surely be taking over my job.. if he can think that rifaya is no longer around, i am sure no prob would have come..

n when my boss asked, if u have so much concerns about me, y r u leaving?? that's when i really wondered if i can leave him. i neither want anything to happen to him nor get some fools to ride over his head for the funds he is providing. so should i go or not...

he told me not to worry about others n yeah is this what he meant???

be who u r n say wat u feel,
becoz those who mind don't matter
n those who matter don't mind

happenings

hey yeah, i have at last started blogging....but gonna begin with what is troubling me for past 48 hours or so..



went for interview at a well established co for audit assistant 3 weeks ago

am currently working as a secretary and have finished CAT papers about 3 months before

since i need a cert for my practical experience, have told my boss that i'll start looking for a job under a/c line

since a new employee has joined the co, we thought it's better she take over my job...she also happens to be my boss' niece....

my new co called me 4 days after the interview to say that they r appointing me

i was happy to go n as that was my first interview and it was a success

HMM, i even signed the appointment letter...



i was teaching the new gal about all my work and she's grasped a bit. since it's her first job ( which also happen to be the same for me, ie FIRST), i was happy n relieved that she can cope..

everything went well till Tuesday.. most of my colleagues have signed a petition stating that i should not leave. i dunno which big mouth went to tell this to my boss after he came back from a biz trip to frankfurt..it seeems they have also told him dat i will not leave if he insists i don't go

he asked, ' did u c the petition?'
i said, 'yeah! i am sure u know which idiot has started this...that's none other than fadzilah (my colleague who always get the blessings f**## out from my mouth everyday)
he asked again, ' is it that if i insists u not to go, would you have stayed?"
i said, ' mm, MAYBE!' i am scolding myself even now on y i said that!!!

he said, ya Allah! y u never told me earlier? i would have done something!
i said, that's ok. moreover your niece is here to do my work.
he started telling that he didn't do anything purposely to get rid of me and since i wanted to venture out to have prac exp, he's allowing me to go
i said, ok no problem. let me practice something i have learnt and come back with a good knowledge ( he has told me earlier to come back after a year...)

it seems he felt guilty n thinks that i misunderstood his intentions n i am leaving because of his niece.
to speak truth, i have not considered that as a fact for my departure. i am the one who wanted to leave n i started looking for jobs. if not his niece, i am sure some other person will be taking over my job. as long as they do it well and shares the pressure n stress my boss undergoes, i am happy to let anyone take it. i did not realise that he has taken my MAYBE seriously....
i left for lunch n came back to realise that he's not at desk
i thought maybe he went out for lunch n will come back shortly..
2 hours flied by and he did not come back
within this period, one of my suppliers has called twice for him but i told her dat he's not in the office. she said jokingly if he has fainted somewhere or not. i said better go n wash ur mouth..

arcound 5 plus, fadzilah intercomed and told me that she wanna speaks to me on Wed morning and ask me to come to work early. i asked is it personal... she shares her family problems with me always n i thought it's one of them. but my heart said something wrong. even then my boss did not come back...

called fadzilah out at about 6 n asked her what she wanted to discuss...