damn bored n this is my first posting in noon. oops... Eut, if u had been looking at this, sorry k. very bored n thought of blogging. no one ard to talk to, better still to scold...
so much things to clear but there is no mood. had a short nap with lights off while waiting for the sms from eut. eut is busy n i dun wanna disturb. feels so sleepy. would love to go to my bed n roll over. came across this beautiful poem.
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
in which there is no I or you
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand
so intimate that when you fall asleep it is my eyes that close
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
frens views yammi
Your name: Yasmin Ansari
Where did we meet? NTSS sec one... e1/4
Take a stab at my middle name: No middle name
How long have you known me?: 4 1/2 years
Do I smoke?: nope
Do I believe in God?: yes
What was your first impression of me upon meeting?: quiet girl... ;p
What's my age?: 19And my birthday?: 30/01/83 ( fayaaaaa my bday is 7/02 not 12/02 =((( )
What colour hair do I have?: black
And colour eyes: brown (biologically, no one can have black eyes)
Do I have any siblings?: Yes, you do
Have you ever had a crush on me? (FOR GIRLS ONLY): - hehe
What's one of my favourite things to do?: reading
Do you remember one of the first things I said to you?: hi?
What's my favourite type of music?: tamil songs ( hehe)
What is the best feature about me?: ur smile
Am I shy or outgoing?: SHY
Would you say I am funny?: maybe to u too ;p>> > > > >
Am I a rebel or do follow all the rules?: actually the follow the >>rules type but TRYING to be REBEL>> > >
Any special talents?: making me SMILE>> > > > >
Would you consider me a friend?: OBVIOSLY! my best fren in the >>whole world
Have you ever seen me cry?: nope, faya is strong girl. when i go NZ oso she nv cry
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?: fayaaaaaaa
What's your favourite memory of me?: being MY best friend and ONLY MY best fren
What single trait about me annoys you the most?: forever teasing me ... but i like it =)
>> > > > > If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what would you >>want to take > > with us?; we just need us... nothing else
Where did we meet? NTSS sec one... e1/4
Take a stab at my middle name: No middle name
How long have you known me?: 4 1/2 years
Do I smoke?: nope
Do I believe in God?: yes
What was your first impression of me upon meeting?: quiet girl... ;p
What's my age?: 19And my birthday?: 30/01/83 ( fayaaaaa my bday is 7/02 not 12/02 =((( )
What colour hair do I have?: black
And colour eyes: brown (biologically, no one can have black eyes)
Do I have any siblings?: Yes, you do
Have you ever had a crush on me? (FOR GIRLS ONLY): - hehe
What's one of my favourite things to do?: reading
Do you remember one of the first things I said to you?: hi?
What's my favourite type of music?: tamil songs ( hehe)
What is the best feature about me?: ur smile
Am I shy or outgoing?: SHY
Would you say I am funny?: maybe to u too ;p>> > > > >
Am I a rebel or do follow all the rules?: actually the follow the >>rules type but TRYING to be REBEL>> > >
Any special talents?: making me SMILE>> > > > >
Would you consider me a friend?: OBVIOSLY! my best fren in the >>whole world
Have you ever seen me cry?: nope, faya is strong girl. when i go NZ oso she nv cry
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?: fayaaaaaaa
What's your favourite memory of me?: being MY best friend and ONLY MY best fren
What single trait about me annoys you the most?: forever teasing me ... but i like it =)
>> > > > > If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what would you >>want to take > > with us?; we just need us... nothing else
frens views arshad
Your name:
Arshad ( Mohamed Arshad)
Where did we meet?:
Online ( dont feel it was online)
Take a stab at my middle name:
wat u mean i don understand
How long have you known me?:
actually less than 3 years but feel as if i have been wit u all my ages
Do I smoke?:
I realy doubt coz my rifa capable of anything smoking is juz nothing for her hehe ( want to try ? ) hehe
Do I believe in God?:
Yes!!!!!!!
What was your first impression of me upon meeting?:
Meeting u online evrytime makes me soo happy,insha allah meeting in person might get me rain over my eyes:)
What's my age?:
A 19 year old kelavi ( i call upon my team mate to protect me--- hehe)
And my birthday?:
to be true i dont remember the dates - ( dont give that stare i really forget as i dont mind toking to a kelavi)
What colour hair do I have?:
Hopefully Black and long for me to play with
And colour eyes:
Never noticed the colour but i still wish to be a raincoat for ur eyes
Do I have any siblings?:
Of coz u got the best of the siblings Masha allah ( u have My Jaria in u r Army )
Have you ever had a crush on me? (FOR GIRLS ONLY):
haha this is for gals only
What's one of my favourite things to do?:
Iam sure its Dreaming abt Mr Halil ( pls dont say no.... hehe)
Do you remember one of the first things I said to you?:
I never know u were my Rifa wen i asked for ur ASL in the mirc chat
thank god u replied me !!
i dont remember wat u said first to me
but i still remember Rifa Apologising me for not being in touch wit me for almost 1year ( u remember i was juz sending emails to a dead end hoping for my rifa to reply hehehe )
What's my favourite type of music?:
U love Tamil Oldies and a Fan of Mohan old songs ami rite ?
What is the best feature about me?:
cannot point out a single best feature ,too many features dashing my mind ( iam sure wat rifa does ends up as a gd feature except wen she toks bak to her mom wen she complains for toking too much ... hehe don be angry on me coz iam pointing out this)
Am I shy or outgoing?:
Not shy always but once wen want to tok abt Halil can see u blush hehe,
Your Are a naughty baby :)
Would you say I am funny?:
Toking funny things does not mean u r funny understand!!!
Am I a rebel or do follow all the rules?:
Not actually a rebel but u wish to be free of rules rite ?
Any special talents?:
make me smile wat ever mood i might be in,and i bet u can make me emotional very soon
Would you consider me a friend?:
ya word more than a fren,a a small mother , a person living inside myself, my guardian angel for sure and my best protection is u
Have you ever seen me cry?:
pls i dont want to see it any time again
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?:
My Rifa - Always
What's your favourite memory of me?:
ur name the sweetest word, love to spell wen iam very down- energy drink :) ----- do u think energy drinks are fake? hehe Rifa is 1 of the real
What single trait about me annoys you the most?:
i love evrything frm u nothing to annoyyyyyyyyyyyyed -- wat a stupid question to ask me ( u know i love to be scolded by my rifa )
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what would you want to take with us? :
I want my jaria to be wit me plsssss she the only 1 who can save frm rifa hehe :) kidding ma dont wish to take anything
can get evrything frm Rifaya her love,smile,kindness,care ,she not juz a happiness but a medicine for my wounds wat else i want ? :)
my dear i thought this was juz a forward mail ,never knew it would help me tink soo much
dont think iam toking too much or always toking high to make things intersting
wat say is very true frm my heart :)
Arshad ( Mohamed Arshad)
Where did we meet?:
Online ( dont feel it was online)
Take a stab at my middle name:
wat u mean i don understand
How long have you known me?:
actually less than 3 years but feel as if i have been wit u all my ages
Do I smoke?:
I realy doubt coz my rifa capable of anything smoking is juz nothing for her hehe ( want to try ? ) hehe
Do I believe in God?:
Yes!!!!!!!
What was your first impression of me upon meeting?:
Meeting u online evrytime makes me soo happy,insha allah meeting in person might get me rain over my eyes:)
What's my age?:
A 19 year old kelavi ( i call upon my team mate to protect me--- hehe)
And my birthday?:
to be true i dont remember the dates - ( dont give that stare i really forget as i dont mind toking to a kelavi)
What colour hair do I have?:
Hopefully Black and long for me to play with
And colour eyes:
Never noticed the colour but i still wish to be a raincoat for ur eyes
Do I have any siblings?:
Of coz u got the best of the siblings Masha allah ( u have My Jaria in u r Army )
Have you ever had a crush on me? (FOR GIRLS ONLY):
haha this is for gals only
What's one of my favourite things to do?:
Iam sure its Dreaming abt Mr Halil ( pls dont say no.... hehe)
Do you remember one of the first things I said to you?:
I never know u were my Rifa wen i asked for ur ASL in the mirc chat
thank god u replied me !!
i dont remember wat u said first to me
but i still remember Rifa Apologising me for not being in touch wit me for almost 1year ( u remember i was juz sending emails to a dead end hoping for my rifa to reply hehehe )
What's my favourite type of music?:
U love Tamil Oldies and a Fan of Mohan old songs ami rite ?
What is the best feature about me?:
cannot point out a single best feature ,too many features dashing my mind ( iam sure wat rifa does ends up as a gd feature except wen she toks bak to her mom wen she complains for toking too much ... hehe don be angry on me coz iam pointing out this)
Am I shy or outgoing?:
Not shy always but once wen want to tok abt Halil can see u blush hehe,
Your Are a naughty baby :)
Would you say I am funny?:
Toking funny things does not mean u r funny understand!!!
Am I a rebel or do follow all the rules?:
Not actually a rebel but u wish to be free of rules rite ?
Any special talents?:
make me smile wat ever mood i might be in,and i bet u can make me emotional very soon
Would you consider me a friend?:
ya word more than a fren,a a small mother , a person living inside myself, my guardian angel for sure and my best protection is u
Have you ever seen me cry?:
pls i dont want to see it any time again
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?:
My Rifa - Always
What's your favourite memory of me?:
ur name the sweetest word, love to spell wen iam very down- energy drink :) ----- do u think energy drinks are fake? hehe Rifa is 1 of the real
What single trait about me annoys you the most?:
i love evrything frm u nothing to annoyyyyyyyyyyyyed -- wat a stupid question to ask me ( u know i love to be scolded by my rifa )
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what would you want to take with us? :
I want my jaria to be wit me plsssss she the only 1 who can save frm rifa hehe :) kidding ma dont wish to take anything
can get evrything frm Rifaya her love,smile,kindness,care ,she not juz a happiness but a medicine for my wounds wat else i want ? :)
my dear i thought this was juz a forward mail ,never knew it would help me tink soo much
dont think iam toking too much or always toking high to make things intersting
wat say is very true frm my heart :)
Sunday, December 16, 2007
something about feelings...........
Love
Love is not an emotion, it is your very existence.
Here are the signs of love.
When you love someone, you see nothing wrong with them.
When you love someone, you want to see them always happy and you want them to have the best.
Love is the highest strength, yet it makes you absolutely weak
Love cannot tolerate distance, and hatred cannot tolerate nearness.
You can experience love, but you cannot describe it or express it totally.
Love is beyond sight, touch, smell, taste, and sound.
When there is Love, there is no ego; ego dissolves like the dew drops with the sun.
In the company of one who is living Love, you also cant but spring into that Love.
Love is that phenomenon of dissolving, disappearing, merging, becoming one with.
Love is that phenomenon of total letting go.
The seers, the seen, and the process of seeing all merge. The knowledge, the knower, and the known, they all merge, become one & that is Divine Love.
Anger
In ignorance anger is cheap and a smile is costly
Make your smile cheaper and you anger expensive.
The anger of the enlightened is a blessing Silence
Silence is the goal of all answers. If an answer does not silence the mind, it is no answer
Only Silence is complete
Smiling with all the existence is Silence
Purpose of words is to create silence.
Freedom
Break through the barrier of the rational mind and find freedom for yourself
Freedom is your very nature. Only with freedom do joy, generosity and other human values blossom
Just an intention to be free makes you immediately free.
Discipline protects freedom. You can choose to focus either on freedom or discipline, and this makes you happy or unhappy.
Freedom without discipline is like a country without a defense.
Respect
Respect for the Self is faith and faith is being open
Have respect for the Self and no one can take your self respect
Someone does not need to be great in order to be respected. Respecting life makes you great.
Ego
The "I" or ego in you is a tiny atom
Ego is separateness, non-belongingness
The head level is safe for the ego. The heart level breaks the ego. The solve level dissolves the ego
The inability to communicate occurs because of ego
Someone experiences bliss, and that bliss, itself, becomes a trip for the ego. So the ego, in turn, destroys the infinity, the joy, the bliss.
Peace
This world is a mystery. Love is a mystery. Life is a mystery. Your sleep is a mystery. And mystery transcends reasoning.
Peace is your very nature. Peace is your innate nature---it cannot go away from you.
Mind
As long as some desires linger in your mind, your mind cannot be at total rest
Small mind promises joy and leaves your hand empty. Big Mind may bring resistance in the beginning but fills you with joy.
There must be awareness in the mind, love in the heart, and righteousness in action
The mind that is seeking pleasure cannot be centered.
Your mind is a flow. Your mind is a continuum that is ever changing, ever changing.
Your concept in the mind that things should be a certain way causes pain in the mind. The cause of distress is set concepts in the mind.
Habits
Habits will clog you when there is no liveliness or juice in life. When there is a direction for life force, you can rise above habits.
Your inability to do something (break a habit) can cause a pinch; when you are deeply pained by something, then that will rid you of that habit.
Desire
Intimacy often gets broken because of ego or your desire.
Desire appears to lead you to happiness. In fact it cannot. And that is why it is Maya.
The greater the intensity of desire and the later it gets fulfilled, then greater will be the gratitude.
Desire and distress go together. Your desire, when it gets fulfilled, gives another desire and another desire. With each desire, distress is simply postponed.
Dealing With Blame
When someone blames you, what do you usually do? Blame them back or you put up resistance in yourself. When someone blames you, they actually take away some negative karma from you.
Senses
The senses are like fire. Your life is also like fire. In the fire of senses, whatever you put in burns. If you burn tires, it creates pollution and bad smell. But if you burn sandalwood, it creates fragrance.
Smile
Be light. Smile. Drop. Learn the tendency to drop and smile and move through.
The sign of life is enthusiasm. The sign of success is smile and joy
Now. Now. Now. Cultivate this habit of dropping the past. Then you can smile.
Are we in the psychology class or what??? But this talks sense. ... enuf for now... n adieus...
Love
Love is not an emotion, it is your very existence.
Here are the signs of love.
When you love someone, you see nothing wrong with them.
When you love someone, you want to see them always happy and you want them to have the best.
Love is the highest strength, yet it makes you absolutely weak
Love cannot tolerate distance, and hatred cannot tolerate nearness.
You can experience love, but you cannot describe it or express it totally.
Love is beyond sight, touch, smell, taste, and sound.
When there is Love, there is no ego; ego dissolves like the dew drops with the sun.
In the company of one who is living Love, you also cant but spring into that Love.
Love is that phenomenon of dissolving, disappearing, merging, becoming one with.
Love is that phenomenon of total letting go.
The seers, the seen, and the process of seeing all merge. The knowledge, the knower, and the known, they all merge, become one & that is Divine Love.
Anger
In ignorance anger is cheap and a smile is costly
Make your smile cheaper and you anger expensive.
The anger of the enlightened is a blessing Silence
Silence is the goal of all answers. If an answer does not silence the mind, it is no answer
Only Silence is complete
Smiling with all the existence is Silence
Purpose of words is to create silence.
Freedom
Break through the barrier of the rational mind and find freedom for yourself
Freedom is your very nature. Only with freedom do joy, generosity and other human values blossom
Just an intention to be free makes you immediately free.
Discipline protects freedom. You can choose to focus either on freedom or discipline, and this makes you happy or unhappy.
Freedom without discipline is like a country without a defense.
Respect
Respect for the Self is faith and faith is being open
Have respect for the Self and no one can take your self respect
Someone does not need to be great in order to be respected. Respecting life makes you great.
Ego
The "I" or ego in you is a tiny atom
Ego is separateness, non-belongingness
The head level is safe for the ego. The heart level breaks the ego. The solve level dissolves the ego
The inability to communicate occurs because of ego
Someone experiences bliss, and that bliss, itself, becomes a trip for the ego. So the ego, in turn, destroys the infinity, the joy, the bliss.
Peace
This world is a mystery. Love is a mystery. Life is a mystery. Your sleep is a mystery. And mystery transcends reasoning.
Peace is your very nature. Peace is your innate nature---it cannot go away from you.
Mind
As long as some desires linger in your mind, your mind cannot be at total rest
Small mind promises joy and leaves your hand empty. Big Mind may bring resistance in the beginning but fills you with joy.
There must be awareness in the mind, love in the heart, and righteousness in action
The mind that is seeking pleasure cannot be centered.
Your mind is a flow. Your mind is a continuum that is ever changing, ever changing.
Your concept in the mind that things should be a certain way causes pain in the mind. The cause of distress is set concepts in the mind.
Habits
Habits will clog you when there is no liveliness or juice in life. When there is a direction for life force, you can rise above habits.
Your inability to do something (break a habit) can cause a pinch; when you are deeply pained by something, then that will rid you of that habit.
Desire
Intimacy often gets broken because of ego or your desire.
Desire appears to lead you to happiness. In fact it cannot. And that is why it is Maya.
The greater the intensity of desire and the later it gets fulfilled, then greater will be the gratitude.
Desire and distress go together. Your desire, when it gets fulfilled, gives another desire and another desire. With each desire, distress is simply postponed.
Dealing With Blame
When someone blames you, what do you usually do? Blame them back or you put up resistance in yourself. When someone blames you, they actually take away some negative karma from you.
Senses
The senses are like fire. Your life is also like fire. In the fire of senses, whatever you put in burns. If you burn tires, it creates pollution and bad smell. But if you burn sandalwood, it creates fragrance.
Smile
Be light. Smile. Drop. Learn the tendency to drop and smile and move through.
The sign of life is enthusiasm. The sign of success is smile and joy
Now. Now. Now. Cultivate this habit of dropping the past. Then you can smile.
Are we in the psychology class or what??? But this talks sense. ... enuf for now... n adieus...
yuppies,, cousin bro is here n have been talking to him non stop. we spoke till dawn and its so nice to have him. talking so much stuffs. his wedding coming up on 3rd jan and he's damn much looking forward to it. my closest bro after jills...dats the nick for rilvan though started by raz. yeah missing rilvan as well... did not hear his scoldings for the last few days. just msg him..
what love is Exactly!!! Something to ponder upon.....
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest??
It isn't love, it's like.
You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right??
It isn't love, it's lust.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off??
It isn't love, it's luck.
Do you want them because you know they're there??
It isn't love , it's loneliness.
Are you there because it's what everyone wants??
It isn't love, it's loyalty.
Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand??
It isn't love, it's low confidence.
Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt them??
It isn't love, it's pity.
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat??
It isn't love, its infatuation.
Do you pardon their faults because you care about them??
It isn't love, it's friendship.
Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of??
It isn't love, it's a lie.
Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake??
It isn't love, it's charity.
THEN WHAT's LOVE ??????
Check this out.---------
Does your heart ache and break when they're sad??
Then it's love.
Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong??
Then it's love.
Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts??
Then it's love.
Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there??
Then it's love.
Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are??
Then it's love.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death??
Then it's love.
Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we love? Why is it,all, we search for, in life? This pain, this agony? Why is it, all, we long for?This torture, this powerful death of self ??? Why??? Why??? Why???The answer is so simple 'cause it's...LOVE. It is such an addictive thing that even people, who are not having it, wish to experience it and share it, with others as well.
what love is Exactly!!! Something to ponder upon.....
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest??
It isn't love, it's like.
You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right??
It isn't love, it's lust.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off??
It isn't love, it's luck.
Do you want them because you know they're there??
It isn't love , it's loneliness.
Are you there because it's what everyone wants??
It isn't love, it's loyalty.
Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand??
It isn't love, it's low confidence.
Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt them??
It isn't love, it's pity.
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat??
It isn't love, its infatuation.
Do you pardon their faults because you care about them??
It isn't love, it's friendship.
Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of??
It isn't love, it's a lie.
Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake??
It isn't love, it's charity.
THEN WHAT's LOVE ??????
Check this out.---------
Does your heart ache and break when they're sad??
Then it's love.
Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong??
Then it's love.
Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts??
Then it's love.
Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there??
Then it's love.
Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are??
Then it's love.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death??
Then it's love.
Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we love? Why is it,all, we search for, in life? This pain, this agony? Why is it, all, we long for?This torture, this powerful death of self ??? Why??? Why??? Why???The answer is so simple 'cause it's...LOVE. It is such an addictive thing that even people, who are not having it, wish to experience it and share it, with others as well.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
had a good dinner last night at seoul gardens. a girl's nite out and oh yeah , we enjoyed it. a bit of fooling around. there was this cute bro ( thambi probably) who kept on looking at siti. have asked him to take photo of 4 of us but it didn't turn out nice. other than that, we had fun. could not get to finish the food though..
a beautiful quotient
We never have what we like,
We never like what we have,
Still we Live, Love n Hope that
Someday
we'll get what we love
OR
we'll learn to love what we have
is this what life is all about? so strange but yet giving us ways to explore...
was reading an article on perfectionism n i do admit that i am bit of a perfectionist... it says even though being perfect is healthy but it tends to lead to mental problems... i hope i will not suffer that as i realise that no one is perfect n we have to learn to accept our mistakes... how true to myself can i be if i can't tolerate my worst? hmmm, this does not mean we should do mistakes knowingly....
something sad...
C (new nick) has gone 4 a holiday and have started missing him. told him directly that i'll miss him though. even other angels were missing him as we were talking lots abt him last nite. were suggesting to bring him out for bowling. insha allah, next year, k! will not get to have my usual dosage of laughter , motivation , self reflection for another 2 weeks. juz hope time will fly fast... and yeah, asked whether i have any bad feeling in staying put... said no CONFIDENTLY and i do wish i can stay to help him relieve the probs... but if he were to tell me that this is the last day n u should go, i'll leave proudly as well.
a beautiful quotient
We never have what we like,
We never like what we have,
Still we Live, Love n Hope that
Someday
we'll get what we love
OR
we'll learn to love what we have
is this what life is all about? so strange but yet giving us ways to explore...
was reading an article on perfectionism n i do admit that i am bit of a perfectionist... it says even though being perfect is healthy but it tends to lead to mental problems... i hope i will not suffer that as i realise that no one is perfect n we have to learn to accept our mistakes... how true to myself can i be if i can't tolerate my worst? hmmm, this does not mean we should do mistakes knowingly....
something sad...
C (new nick) has gone 4 a holiday and have started missing him. told him directly that i'll miss him though. even other angels were missing him as we were talking lots abt him last nite. were suggesting to bring him out for bowling. insha allah, next year, k! will not get to have my usual dosage of laughter , motivation , self reflection for another 2 weeks. juz hope time will fly fast... and yeah, asked whether i have any bad feeling in staying put... said no CONFIDENTLY and i do wish i can stay to help him relieve the probs... but if he were to tell me that this is the last day n u should go, i'll leave proudly as well.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
hating myself
overlooked something important
how can i forgive myself....
just cursing myself.....
real stupid me
no mood to work
dun wanna get out as well
waiting for that call
saying all the prayers i can remember...
pls allah! help us.....
how can i face...........
am so distressed!!!
dun feel pity for me pls... can't stand myself though!!
overlooked something important
how can i forgive myself....
just cursing myself.....
real stupid me
no mood to work
dun wanna get out as well
waiting for that call
saying all the prayers i can remember...
pls allah! help us.....
how can i face...........
am so distressed!!!
dun feel pity for me pls... can't stand myself though!!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
loner in the starry stary night
was thinking about what to start with and remembered the above book that i've read in primary school. yeah, here am I worrying myself again.... can i immerse in a pool of tears... but i know that crying will not relieve the probs that i am facing. i am too strong to cry out....
sometimes i wish i can die but i know that i am not a coward to adhere to this stupid thought. mom still dun understand me. she keeps on asking me y should i further my studies... she tells me that i've gotten married, have a kid, start up a family already... then wat is the reason to study...i told her straight that since she has not wanted me to study once i have finished my O, i have a passion build up in me then to keep on studying... more of a rebellious thought.. i juz love studying. have to ask grandma why she name me rIfAyA for... rifaya means brilliance and i do regret y i have not failed so far... mm, failed my sci paper at psle but still managed to get a good aggregate. .. am one of the very few to get distinctions in all my modules in my diploma.. even managed to pass my cat papers at first sitting..so far, no one from home had congratulated me on this... i dun wanna complain but this is a fact. feels so bad to write all this but i think i have to vent out on my blog..............
asked mom if any of her sons wish to study, would she have let? she says absolutely. then y am i not given the same priority... izzit coz i am a gal... ain't i supposed to have any dreams of my own... if the rest dun wanna study, it's their business. i dun interfere in their works and neither do i wish them to interfere in mine... does she think that i will be greedy once i study n earn more... i assure myself that i am not those type. i am a career minded girl but i know i'll never let anyone down... i hate the materialistic world.. i think she has thought about my guy who has not studied much and thinks that he may feels inferior if i were to keep on studying.... i am not a headstrong gal n i will never make him feel such... if i had this kinda thought earlier, y would i have married him.... he's too lovable... maybe he dun fully understand me now but i know we will come to love each other as the way we are.
sometimes i wish i can die but i know that i am not a coward to adhere to this stupid thought. mom still dun understand me. she keeps on asking me y should i further my studies... she tells me that i've gotten married, have a kid, start up a family already... then wat is the reason to study...i told her straight that since she has not wanted me to study once i have finished my O, i have a passion build up in me then to keep on studying... more of a rebellious thought.. i juz love studying. have to ask grandma why she name me rIfAyA for... rifaya means brilliance and i do regret y i have not failed so far... mm, failed my sci paper at psle but still managed to get a good aggregate. .. am one of the very few to get distinctions in all my modules in my diploma.. even managed to pass my cat papers at first sitting..so far, no one from home had congratulated me on this... i dun wanna complain but this is a fact. feels so bad to write all this but i think i have to vent out on my blog..............
asked mom if any of her sons wish to study, would she have let? she says absolutely. then y am i not given the same priority... izzit coz i am a gal... ain't i supposed to have any dreams of my own... if the rest dun wanna study, it's their business. i dun interfere in their works and neither do i wish them to interfere in mine... does she think that i will be greedy once i study n earn more... i assure myself that i am not those type. i am a career minded girl but i know i'll never let anyone down... i hate the materialistic world.. i think she has thought about my guy who has not studied much and thinks that he may feels inferior if i were to keep on studying.... i am not a headstrong gal n i will never make him feel such... if i had this kinda thought earlier, y would i have married him.... he's too lovable... maybe he dun fully understand me now but i know we will come to love each other as the way we are.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
something about myself being an Aquarian..
I am a born revolutionary so no one can tell me how to live my life (absolutely right)
My clear-cut approach makes it perfectly clear just how differently I wish to experience life(maybe yes)
I just don’t want to be like others and take pride in the fact that I am so unique (is that y i am the extra)
I'd far prefer to be self-sufficient rather than being a sheep in society who follows everyone else’s lead ( this is what i'd love to do)
If I am not able to live my life on my own terms, I’ll dream and aspire to a future time when I can fulfil my destiny to the fullest, inexactly the way I want (can anyone help me in this?? cheeky fella myself)
I have very inspirational views of the world and even if my opinions are too different, I’ll always be respected for speaking my mind honestly because I have great organisational and communication skills and I work really well with others (too many pts n i am not sure!!!)
I have my own ideas and solutions to problems ( maybe dat the reason y probs are created)
I am investigative, curious and extremely active mentally
My thinking mind rarely, if ever, stops (another issue to deal with)
I need to learn when to shut down as my brain can become overactive, especially at night (now u know y i am blogging at this hour)
I am vigorous in the way I present my ideas so there’s never a dull moment around me ( maybe you can comment on this as i find myself dull at times)
There’s often someone who wants to challenge me, especially if they happen to have a much more conventional way of doing things (haha, may i know who?)
I'll be more than happy to challenge and taking that great pleasure in proving them wrong (this is my true self though, dun start scolding me, k? mm, now I can see a smile on your face)
I find it difficult to uphold relationships with those who aren’t prepared to evolve in the same way as myself ( this is the latest that I'm facing)
My rigid opinions bring me into disagreement with others (hmm yeah, dats rite, so anyone can support me willingly...?? better dun run off..... :)
Although I appear aloof and detached I am inwardly sensitive and caring (right to a certain part, maybe the ppl who r close 2 me r aware of this)
I prefer to associate with people who share the same diverse views on life (first is none other than b, at least I've found one...)
My life will almost certainly never be drab n dat is why I'll always be young at heart ( i AM n I wish to continue that)
these r some things about myself which i've learn to come to know and others r still BEING HIDDEN. i shall uncover them as i walk past my life...
becoming more of a pulavar now, better learn to shut my mouth...
weekend was good n was with fateen most of the time. tension has not gone yet completely. had a very bad headache yesterday...thought i am gonna freak out...received some good advice n some unexpected qn from b. has given me some new angles to think of... i still dun understand y i am the extra n can't able to get hold of the fact... ppl say life is a circle n yeah i understand that but how i wish to get out from that connector...
oh yeah, asked casually to my musketeers if they have ever thought of being single. They replied in one sentence how they wish to... i laughed inside,,, how selfish can i get...
gonna doze off............ hubby was earlier telling me about the benefits of a good night sleep. nvm, poor him,, so much tired, let him have one... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz
I am a born revolutionary so no one can tell me how to live my life (absolutely right)
My clear-cut approach makes it perfectly clear just how differently I wish to experience life(maybe yes)
I just don’t want to be like others and take pride in the fact that I am so unique (is that y i am the extra)
I'd far prefer to be self-sufficient rather than being a sheep in society who follows everyone else’s lead ( this is what i'd love to do)
If I am not able to live my life on my own terms, I’ll dream and aspire to a future time when I can fulfil my destiny to the fullest, inexactly the way I want (can anyone help me in this?? cheeky fella myself)
I have very inspirational views of the world and even if my opinions are too different, I’ll always be respected for speaking my mind honestly because I have great organisational and communication skills and I work really well with others (too many pts n i am not sure!!!)
I have my own ideas and solutions to problems ( maybe dat the reason y probs are created)
I am investigative, curious and extremely active mentally
My thinking mind rarely, if ever, stops (another issue to deal with)
I need to learn when to shut down as my brain can become overactive, especially at night (now u know y i am blogging at this hour)
I am vigorous in the way I present my ideas so there’s never a dull moment around me ( maybe you can comment on this as i find myself dull at times)
There’s often someone who wants to challenge me, especially if they happen to have a much more conventional way of doing things (haha, may i know who?)
I'll be more than happy to challenge and taking that great pleasure in proving them wrong (this is my true self though, dun start scolding me, k? mm, now I can see a smile on your face)
I find it difficult to uphold relationships with those who aren’t prepared to evolve in the same way as myself ( this is the latest that I'm facing)
My rigid opinions bring me into disagreement with others (hmm yeah, dats rite, so anyone can support me willingly...?? better dun run off..... :)
Although I appear aloof and detached I am inwardly sensitive and caring (right to a certain part, maybe the ppl who r close 2 me r aware of this)
I prefer to associate with people who share the same diverse views on life (first is none other than b, at least I've found one...)
My life will almost certainly never be drab n dat is why I'll always be young at heart ( i AM n I wish to continue that)
these r some things about myself which i've learn to come to know and others r still BEING HIDDEN. i shall uncover them as i walk past my life...
becoming more of a pulavar now, better learn to shut my mouth...
weekend was good n was with fateen most of the time. tension has not gone yet completely. had a very bad headache yesterday...thought i am gonna freak out...received some good advice n some unexpected qn from b. has given me some new angles to think of... i still dun understand y i am the extra n can't able to get hold of the fact... ppl say life is a circle n yeah i understand that but how i wish to get out from that connector...
oh yeah, asked casually to my musketeers if they have ever thought of being single. They replied in one sentence how they wish to... i laughed inside,,, how selfish can i get...
gonna doze off............ hubby was earlier telling me about the benefits of a good night sleep. nvm, poor him,, so much tired, let him have one... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz
Saturday, November 24, 2007
has been doing a bit of soul searching last few days n contemplating on the choices made. was quite stressed out, a bit of tension here n there... was having back pains... this stupid pain always starts when i go mom's place n she starts lecturing me to see doc. i just can't stand going clinics n hate esp when they give so much medicine.i just dump them away after 2-3 days n i find it a waste to go..
last 2 weeks had gone great. talked to sara after so long n it was nice talking to him.exchanged apologies n i am missing the school days n enjoyment esp when we went to v central with sheikh. dunno wat is sheikh doing now though. heard from sara about BEE, not sure of its true. it would have been nice if i hv heard abt it during schooling. btw,talked to vino n said sorry to him. he is telling coolly that he has gotten over everything... he was the only guy whom i never talked much in the class... hmm enough of that now.....
have started talking more n freely to boss last few days. he is always motivating me, pushing me forward...talked lots abt life, being single, responsibilities n worries as well. he's been kind enough to listen to all my blah blahs.. he loves to travel n wanna go trekking. hope he'll find some time to fulfil his wishes.. i would love to travel but have to wait till haleel is stable at his workplace..was telling him the other day dat we should go some resort n spend time. he replies me asking should we spend n go all the way there just to rest... i am not a shopaholic n i would love to spend my time reading n sleeping in one comfort cocoon alone.. a bit of day dreamer (influenced maybe by the books dat i've read)a tiny bit of nature lover n would like to explore but i get allergic seeing all the insects. i am scared of them. if cats n lizards r to surround me, i think that will be the last day for me in earth. get a bit of goosebumps when i am around these creatures.
b gives me good advice n tells me to look out for myself than OTHERS . insha allah,i'll work my way out to achieve this. it will take quite sometime for me to adjust but i hope time will guide me. went out lunch with him n other musketeers yesterday. he's carefree but at the same time tensed coz of me... i hate dat... i am pulling him in my worries n i can't digest dat. just pray that i am leading the right path.. have constant worries abt him n wonder at times, y i am like dat. y can't i be like the other staffs?? even my musketeers r not worrying so much. y am i being the eXtra?? hope i won't go psychic or something....
hating ME, hating MYSELF, hating RIFAYA......
will hate myself more if anything were to happen to him... i know how hard he works n how much he's sacrificed! ya allah, please bless him...
was thinking about single me n what would i have done if i were still single
> rent out a room n stay wif gals > study for a degree > work part time maybe giving tuition or @ pizza hut > see parents once a while > go out wif guy frens to field trips or so >
isn't it a bit too much??? but nice to think though.. oh yeah, guy frens r always the best to share our views. we gals tend to be a bit jealous talking to each other n when we r to express our views wif guy, they understand it better n it's easier for us to interact!
:) thinking about Prison of Tehran now... gtg....
last 2 weeks had gone great. talked to sara after so long n it was nice talking to him.exchanged apologies n i am missing the school days n enjoyment esp when we went to v central with sheikh. dunno wat is sheikh doing now though. heard from sara about BEE, not sure of its true. it would have been nice if i hv heard abt it during schooling. btw,talked to vino n said sorry to him. he is telling coolly that he has gotten over everything... he was the only guy whom i never talked much in the class... hmm enough of that now.....
have started talking more n freely to boss last few days. he is always motivating me, pushing me forward...talked lots abt life, being single, responsibilities n worries as well. he's been kind enough to listen to all my blah blahs.. he loves to travel n wanna go trekking. hope he'll find some time to fulfil his wishes.. i would love to travel but have to wait till haleel is stable at his workplace..was telling him the other day dat we should go some resort n spend time. he replies me asking should we spend n go all the way there just to rest... i am not a shopaholic n i would love to spend my time reading n sleeping in one comfort cocoon alone.. a bit of day dreamer (influenced maybe by the books dat i've read)a tiny bit of nature lover n would like to explore but i get allergic seeing all the insects. i am scared of them. if cats n lizards r to surround me, i think that will be the last day for me in earth. get a bit of goosebumps when i am around these creatures.
b gives me good advice n tells me to look out for myself than OTHERS . insha allah,i'll work my way out to achieve this. it will take quite sometime for me to adjust but i hope time will guide me. went out lunch with him n other musketeers yesterday. he's carefree but at the same time tensed coz of me... i hate dat... i am pulling him in my worries n i can't digest dat. just pray that i am leading the right path.. have constant worries abt him n wonder at times, y i am like dat. y can't i be like the other staffs?? even my musketeers r not worrying so much. y am i being the eXtra?? hope i won't go psychic or something....
hating ME, hating MYSELF, hating RIFAYA......
will hate myself more if anything were to happen to him... i know how hard he works n how much he's sacrificed! ya allah, please bless him...
was thinking about single me n what would i have done if i were still single
> rent out a room n stay wif gals > study for a degree > work part time maybe giving tuition or @ pizza hut > see parents once a while > go out wif guy frens to field trips or so >
isn't it a bit too much??? but nice to think though.. oh yeah, guy frens r always the best to share our views. we gals tend to be a bit jealous talking to each other n when we r to express our views wif guy, they understand it better n it's easier for us to interact!
:) thinking about Prison of Tehran now... gtg....
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Temperament
Idealist
You are the quintessential dreamer - spending more time thinking about the possibilities that the world holds for you, rather than your reality. You don't settle for anything less than what you truly desire and you work very hard. You tend to live in every place except the present - you are prone to daydreaming about the future and re-thinking the choices you made in the past. Sometimes you get overly caught up in your thoughts.
Interests
Simple
You are continually pursuing a simpler and less complicated life - you don't allow yourself to fall victim to all of the "should do's" that society continually bombards you with. You are thoughtful about your life choices and think in terms of yourself, others and the world in which we live. You have a great sense that we are part of something much bigger and we must be good to others, if we want others and the world to be good to us.
Amusement
Thoughtful
You are easily stressed out and overwhelmed - you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Because you tend to be self reflective, you know your limits quite well and must remember to not exceed those limits. When you overwhelm your life with obligations and responsibilities, you tend to shut down and go into yourself even further. Take some time to find your serenity and kick back your feet.
Passion
Emotional
For you passion is less about romance and sex - it's more about friendship and family. Strong emotional bonds and connections are your passion and your pleasure. You always let your loved ones know how much you love, respect and admire them. You do this through kind words, loving actions and simple gestures. You count your blessings each day and express your love openly. You expect the same from others.
Idealist
You are the quintessential dreamer - spending more time thinking about the possibilities that the world holds for you, rather than your reality. You don't settle for anything less than what you truly desire and you work very hard. You tend to live in every place except the present - you are prone to daydreaming about the future and re-thinking the choices you made in the past. Sometimes you get overly caught up in your thoughts.
Interests
Simple
You are continually pursuing a simpler and less complicated life - you don't allow yourself to fall victim to all of the "should do's" that society continually bombards you with. You are thoughtful about your life choices and think in terms of yourself, others and the world in which we live. You have a great sense that we are part of something much bigger and we must be good to others, if we want others and the world to be good to us.
Amusement
Thoughtful
You are easily stressed out and overwhelmed - you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Because you tend to be self reflective, you know your limits quite well and must remember to not exceed those limits. When you overwhelm your life with obligations and responsibilities, you tend to shut down and go into yourself even further. Take some time to find your serenity and kick back your feet.
Passion
Emotional
For you passion is less about romance and sex - it's more about friendship and family. Strong emotional bonds and connections are your passion and your pleasure. You always let your loved ones know how much you love, respect and admire them. You do this through kind words, loving actions and simple gestures. You count your blessings each day and express your love openly. You expect the same from others.
Friday, November 2, 2007
NO REGRETS
this has been what i am telling myself all along. But there are some exceptional days. Today is one of them... everything had been going well in the morning. me, fad n siti even took a photo together... will post it soon...
there's a shipment to be prepared for one thai cust and i reminded the ppl about it. They said coolly that they have not prepared. And I asked, since you guys started yesterday, y aren't you all finishing it. one told me that he has left for home early the previous day n dunno what to do. The other told me that there might be some duplicate items n boss asked to put off. i asked him whether boss was really the one who asked to put off. he just kept quiet. i was so confused n i dunno how to make them understand about the urgency. the funny thing in this is that the creep which i'd mentioned earlier hadn't even come to the office till then. he's so called a manager who cares only to complain about ppl. frankly, i believe he has no qualities to be called a manager. he's no organisational skills and compared to my earlier manager, he's nothing but a chamelone. he likes to twist his words n if u r to speak to him continuously for 15 min, you'll soon wonder y u came there in the first place. he concerns about money and money only n he's not a good hand to let handle money. i've experienced that once n hope that's the end of it...
mm, so much to talk about him. None in the office like him. hey, no... i know two,three ppl who likes to be ard him. i better stop writing about him.... feels so eeriieeeeeeeeeeee.
my boss came in to the office n found out that nothing has happened. he's so tensed up. i just hate anyone to give him tension as soon as he comes in n that includes myself.. i feel so useless when he's tensed n was cursing inside. when he called the ppl inside, they were taking it in such a relaxed manner. i dun understand these ppl. coz of this, i was stressed up!!!!!!!! was in no mood to eat... tension boiling over all along.... feel so USELESS.... can i act as though no care in the world? i wanted to do something. if anyone has given me the permission, i'll be shouting my orders straight away.... vulgar words will be coming out, i think.. wonder who will listen though.... even at this time, i am still thinking about it n one of my colleague suggested earlier to go for a holiday n cool myself...
i think even if i were to go, i'll be still thinking about the probs at work. last few nights, were dreaming about office n work. am i being very emotional? i guess so!!! is being a sec the worst job in the world??? so far, i don't find any flaws in my boss or his works BUT dunno whether i am upto his standard... dats another worry though! my staying.. good or bad??? i still have second thoughts... oopssssssss............
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
am reading a book called FUTURE ME
nice concept, this book is like a time traveller, asking people around about how they wish to see themselves in future in a day's, month's or even years' time. mm, what will the futureme be???good qn...
let me think in 10 years time...
have at least 4 kids (pray one of them is twin)
i just love TWINS maybe because i am a twin, with an idiot bro of mine AND just like my guy (he's a twin himself but has lost his twin sis at a younger age)
a bigger house ( landed property???maybe NOT as i am scared of stranded places)
be a good traveller ( pledging now to bring my kids wherever i go. i always tell myself that my kids should get to enjoy/experience all those that we didn't get to when we r young, travel at least once a year to all those exotic places
be a good wife
better ask Haleel. He'll say she's good but she does not listen to me esp when she's asked to wear jewellery. i can't stand gold jewellery n he prefers me to wear it whenever i go out esp those weddings n family gatherings. i always tell him that people should judge me for what i am and not for what i wear. he does not get it and we always quarrel on this stupid subject. other than that, i think i am doing my duties well. mother in law has not complained about me so far and only gets impatient in terms of me wearing jewellery. she asks y u buy so much when u dont wear?? i don't buy! my parents bought before and now my guy is buying for me. y gold gold gold? get me wear some ornaments in silver or glass and i'll adorn it
be a good worker
have to really strive hard for this
be a good mummy
hope to spend more time with kids. even if i can't be with them at their earlier age, really want to see when they r growing up. nowadays, fateen misses me lots and i am trying my best to spend as much time with him. wonder at times y i am studying, y i married, y i had a kid. isn't it nice to be single??? where u have no care in the world n can do all the things u wish to...time is over baby.......
listen to ppl
mom always complains that i don't listen to her n i do the exact opposite. she knows i am doing all the right thingss but i don't when she asks me to. i decide myself when i want to do. she can't stand it n thinks i am rude. i told her maybe it's my character. she's asking me to change it. i DON'T think i will but maybe try to please her. she knows jari is like her, always obedient and have a care for others. i am not that type as i always speak what's on my mind. i sometimes don't realise that ppl r hurt. but it's ME n can i change it?? good question though!!!!
more to come, i think . gonna cook for dinner, rilvan is outside watching a Chinese serial.. better cook something nice for him.........or else he gonna mumble. i have to shut his mouth by saying just one dialogue, get your WIFE to please u and not ME.
so rude....
nice concept, this book is like a time traveller, asking people around about how they wish to see themselves in future in a day's, month's or even years' time. mm, what will the futureme be???good qn...
let me think in 10 years time...
have at least 4 kids (pray one of them is twin)
i just love TWINS maybe because i am a twin, with an idiot bro of mine AND just like my guy (he's a twin himself but has lost his twin sis at a younger age)
a bigger house ( landed property???maybe NOT as i am scared of stranded places)
be a good traveller ( pledging now to bring my kids wherever i go. i always tell myself that my kids should get to enjoy/experience all those that we didn't get to when we r young, travel at least once a year to all those exotic places
be a good wife
better ask Haleel. He'll say she's good but she does not listen to me esp when she's asked to wear jewellery. i can't stand gold jewellery n he prefers me to wear it whenever i go out esp those weddings n family gatherings. i always tell him that people should judge me for what i am and not for what i wear. he does not get it and we always quarrel on this stupid subject. other than that, i think i am doing my duties well. mother in law has not complained about me so far and only gets impatient in terms of me wearing jewellery. she asks y u buy so much when u dont wear?? i don't buy! my parents bought before and now my guy is buying for me. y gold gold gold? get me wear some ornaments in silver or glass and i'll adorn it
be a good worker
have to really strive hard for this
be a good mummy
hope to spend more time with kids. even if i can't be with them at their earlier age, really want to see when they r growing up. nowadays, fateen misses me lots and i am trying my best to spend as much time with him. wonder at times y i am studying, y i married, y i had a kid. isn't it nice to be single??? where u have no care in the world n can do all the things u wish to...time is over baby.......
listen to ppl
mom always complains that i don't listen to her n i do the exact opposite. she knows i am doing all the right thingss but i don't when she asks me to. i decide myself when i want to do. she can't stand it n thinks i am rude. i told her maybe it's my character. she's asking me to change it. i DON'T think i will but maybe try to please her. she knows jari is like her, always obedient and have a care for others. i am not that type as i always speak what's on my mind. i sometimes don't realise that ppl r hurt. but it's ME n can i change it?? good question though!!!!
more to come, i think . gonna cook for dinner, rilvan is outside watching a Chinese serial.. better cook something nice for him.........or else he gonna mumble. i have to shut his mouth by saying just one dialogue, get your WIFE to please u and not ME.
so rude....
Friday, October 26, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
first day
today is the first day of work after announcing to everyone that i am still staying. was nervous and tensed as well. i would love to use a punch bag. no one said anything negative but my heart is like, ohmigod, y everyone is looking at me this way? are they gonna talk behind their back? i dunno but i am just TENSED. boss was in a good mood. always cheering me up.
weekend was okay. jari n rilvan came n together with fateen, went out shopping on saturday. bought gifts for Rasin. her 1st birthday is coming up. went to mom's place on sunday and stayed overnight. talked to rilvan and mom till 2am. he is into wedding dreams. asking mom to look for a gal for him. very conservative guy.. quite understanding.. talked about faizal ( jari's guy) jari was over protective of him. mmm, no pressure and no tension....
weekend was okay. jari n rilvan came n together with fateen, went out shopping on saturday. bought gifts for Rasin. her 1st birthday is coming up. went to mom's place on sunday and stayed overnight. talked to rilvan and mom till 2am. he is into wedding dreams. asking mom to look for a gal for him. very conservative guy.. quite understanding.. talked about faizal ( jari's guy) jari was over protective of him. mmm, no pressure and no tension....
Saturday, October 20, 2007
axn next day
it's time yeah n i have not made up my mind
asked fad if she still wants me to stay,
she said U BETTER!!!
talked to my boss' bro about the situation i am in n asked him what his suggestion would be. he said STAY
i called up my new co n told them dat i'll not be able to make it. they had requested for an email notification n i drafted that out..
boss came in to w0rk n he looked better a bit.
had i told u all what my boss was doing the other day when he didn't come to the office. browsing books and talking to other retailers to kill his time.... come on, he's my boss!!!!! how can he do this? i felt very bad n thought y i am the center of attractions for all these weird happenings....
he came to the restaurant where i take lunch (isn't this too much??) and sat opposite me n asked wats my decision
i said that i'll stay n he has to announce to the staffs that i am staying. that was a brave thought n i didn't know from where i got the courage to ask him to do that. told him to stop favoritising me. he has done so much for me n i dunno what i can do to repay all that. whenever this thought enters myself, i am crying inside..
oh Allah, give me the strength to regain from my weaknesses n to be a saviour.
even though he's my boss, i treat him like a bro and care for him in the same manner. i don't expect him to treat me as a sis but just treat me equally like others. i don't want to get biased by him (maybe i feel biased since he is like approving whatever reforms i wish to have) .n because of this, i don't want people to use their tongues as swords when speaking to me.. i will shrink into my dream space n get little lost when others demotivate me or my work.
maybe i am too young n naive to realise about others view of me... hope time will strengthen me..
it's time yeah n i have not made up my mind
asked fad if she still wants me to stay,
she said U BETTER!!!
talked to my boss' bro about the situation i am in n asked him what his suggestion would be. he said STAY
i called up my new co n told them dat i'll not be able to make it. they had requested for an email notification n i drafted that out..
boss came in to w0rk n he looked better a bit.
had i told u all what my boss was doing the other day when he didn't come to the office. browsing books and talking to other retailers to kill his time.... come on, he's my boss!!!!! how can he do this? i felt very bad n thought y i am the center of attractions for all these weird happenings....
he came to the restaurant where i take lunch (isn't this too much??) and sat opposite me n asked wats my decision
i said that i'll stay n he has to announce to the staffs that i am staying. that was a brave thought n i didn't know from where i got the courage to ask him to do that. told him to stop favoritising me. he has done so much for me n i dunno what i can do to repay all that. whenever this thought enters myself, i am crying inside..
oh Allah, give me the strength to regain from my weaknesses n to be a saviour.
even though he's my boss, i treat him like a bro and care for him in the same manner. i don't expect him to treat me as a sis but just treat me equally like others. i don't want to get biased by him (maybe i feel biased since he is like approving whatever reforms i wish to have) .n because of this, i don't want people to use their tongues as swords when speaking to me.. i will shrink into my dream space n get little lost when others demotivate me or my work.
maybe i am too young n naive to realise about others view of me... hope time will strengthen me..
oh yeah, let me continue.....
fad dun wanna tell me anything first n ask to wait till the next morn. i pestered her to tell n she told me dat my boss called her out for meeting..
i asked her is it about me.. she said yeah n continued relaying what my boss told her. i was so sad after i heard n i thought whatever it is, i've to speak to him.. don't know what he was doing at that time..
called his mobile n ask him to come down to the food court to have a talk..
i brought along fad and siti. we 3 r like the faces of triangle.. all have a sharp end n waiting to burst out.. we r the senior staffs who are working in there for more than 5 yrs.. isn't this a long period to work in a company??
boss came and we started talking
felt so pai seh to see him as i was the one who made him feel that way
because of my stupid MAYBE, all these r happening
n he has to undergo tremedous stress
if i could have wiped this situation by other means, i would have done that
seeing his sad look, i was close to tears. thank god it rolled out only once...
we talked n talked for an hour or so n he was like saying 'please stay' once a while n give me a look that's of like a child yearning for love. he talked about all things he can do for me.
frankly speaking, i am not just looking at the monetary value for my stay. i want him to achieve more n get the company to grow as it has lots of potential. i wanna be proud to tell my kids in future that i was working in this company n c how it has grown with the work of one n only man. since i am his sec, we confide with each other at times of our probs. i am sure he knows more about me n my mood swings than others.
he has put me in a dilemma.
first, i have to consider the prob he's going through with his family members for the running of the biz,
- n if i were to stay, i still have to interact with those who are acting their roles well at office( these r the creeps i can't stand n would luv 2 get rid)
- as i have already told my colleagues that my last day is on fri, how am i going to tell that i am not going anywhere as per the request of my boss,,, i am sure they r gonna laugh
- how about if i'd died?? someone would surely be taking over my job.. if he can think that rifaya is no longer around, i am sure no prob would have come..
n when my boss asked, if u have so much concerns about me, y r u leaving?? that's when i really wondered if i can leave him. i neither want anything to happen to him nor get some fools to ride over his head for the funds he is providing. so should i go or not...
he told me not to worry about others n yeah is this what he meant???
be who u r n say wat u feel,
becoz those who mind don't matter
n those who matter don't mind
fad dun wanna tell me anything first n ask to wait till the next morn. i pestered her to tell n she told me dat my boss called her out for meeting..
i asked her is it about me.. she said yeah n continued relaying what my boss told her. i was so sad after i heard n i thought whatever it is, i've to speak to him.. don't know what he was doing at that time..
called his mobile n ask him to come down to the food court to have a talk..
i brought along fad and siti. we 3 r like the faces of triangle.. all have a sharp end n waiting to burst out.. we r the senior staffs who are working in there for more than 5 yrs.. isn't this a long period to work in a company??
boss came and we started talking
felt so pai seh to see him as i was the one who made him feel that way
because of my stupid MAYBE, all these r happening
n he has to undergo tremedous stress
if i could have wiped this situation by other means, i would have done that
seeing his sad look, i was close to tears. thank god it rolled out only once...
we talked n talked for an hour or so n he was like saying 'please stay' once a while n give me a look that's of like a child yearning for love. he talked about all things he can do for me.
frankly speaking, i am not just looking at the monetary value for my stay. i want him to achieve more n get the company to grow as it has lots of potential. i wanna be proud to tell my kids in future that i was working in this company n c how it has grown with the work of one n only man. since i am his sec, we confide with each other at times of our probs. i am sure he knows more about me n my mood swings than others.
he has put me in a dilemma.
first, i have to consider the prob he's going through with his family members for the running of the biz,
- n if i were to stay, i still have to interact with those who are acting their roles well at office( these r the creeps i can't stand n would luv 2 get rid)
- as i have already told my colleagues that my last day is on fri, how am i going to tell that i am not going anywhere as per the request of my boss,,, i am sure they r gonna laugh
- how about if i'd died?? someone would surely be taking over my job.. if he can think that rifaya is no longer around, i am sure no prob would have come..
n when my boss asked, if u have so much concerns about me, y r u leaving?? that's when i really wondered if i can leave him. i neither want anything to happen to him nor get some fools to ride over his head for the funds he is providing. so should i go or not...
he told me not to worry about others n yeah is this what he meant???
be who u r n say wat u feel,
becoz those who mind don't matter
n those who matter don't mind
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
happenings
hey yeah, i have at last started blogging....but gonna begin with what is troubling me for past 48 hours or so..
went for interview at a well established co for audit assistant 3 weeks ago
am currently working as a secretary and have finished CAT papers about 3 months before
since i need a cert for my practical experience, have told my boss that i'll start looking for a job under a/c line
since a new employee has joined the co, we thought it's better she take over my job...she also happens to be my boss' niece....
my new co called me 4 days after the interview to say that they r appointing me
i was happy to go n as that was my first interview and it was a success
HMM, i even signed the appointment letter...
i was teaching the new gal about all my work and she's grasped a bit. since it's her first job ( which also happen to be the same for me, ie FIRST), i was happy n relieved that she can cope..
everything went well till Tuesday.. most of my colleagues have signed a petition stating that i should not leave. i dunno which big mouth went to tell this to my boss after he came back from a biz trip to frankfurt..it seeems they have also told him dat i will not leave if he insists i don't go
he asked, ' did u c the petition?'
i said, 'yeah! i am sure u know which idiot has started this...that's none other than fadzilah (my colleague who always get the blessings f**## out from my mouth everyday)
he asked again, ' is it that if i insists u not to go, would you have stayed?"
i said, ' mm, MAYBE!' i am scolding myself even now on y i said that!!!
he said, ya Allah! y u never told me earlier? i would have done something!
i said, that's ok. moreover your niece is here to do my work.
he started telling that he didn't do anything purposely to get rid of me and since i wanted to venture out to have prac exp, he's allowing me to go
i said, ok no problem. let me practice something i have learnt and come back with a good knowledge ( he has told me earlier to come back after a year...)
it seems he felt guilty n thinks that i misunderstood his intentions n i am leaving because of his niece.
to speak truth, i have not considered that as a fact for my departure. i am the one who wanted to leave n i started looking for jobs. if not his niece, i am sure some other person will be taking over my job. as long as they do it well and shares the pressure n stress my boss undergoes, i am happy to let anyone take it. i did not realise that he has taken my MAYBE seriously....
i left for lunch n came back to realise that he's not at desk
i thought maybe he went out for lunch n will come back shortly..
2 hours flied by and he did not come back
within this period, one of my suppliers has called twice for him but i told her dat he's not in the office. she said jokingly if he has fainted somewhere or not. i said better go n wash ur mouth..
arcound 5 plus, fadzilah intercomed and told me that she wanna speaks to me on Wed morning and ask me to come to work early. i asked is it personal... she shares her family problems with me always n i thought it's one of them. but my heart said something wrong. even then my boss did not come back...
called fadzilah out at about 6 n asked her what she wanted to discuss...
went for interview at a well established co for audit assistant 3 weeks ago
am currently working as a secretary and have finished CAT papers about 3 months before
since i need a cert for my practical experience, have told my boss that i'll start looking for a job under a/c line
since a new employee has joined the co, we thought it's better she take over my job...she also happens to be my boss' niece....
my new co called me 4 days after the interview to say that they r appointing me
i was happy to go n as that was my first interview and it was a success
HMM, i even signed the appointment letter...
i was teaching the new gal about all my work and she's grasped a bit. since it's her first job ( which also happen to be the same for me, ie FIRST), i was happy n relieved that she can cope..
everything went well till Tuesday.. most of my colleagues have signed a petition stating that i should not leave. i dunno which big mouth went to tell this to my boss after he came back from a biz trip to frankfurt..it seeems they have also told him dat i will not leave if he insists i don't go
he asked, ' did u c the petition?'
i said, 'yeah! i am sure u know which idiot has started this...that's none other than fadzilah (my colleague who always get the blessings f**## out from my mouth everyday)
he asked again, ' is it that if i insists u not to go, would you have stayed?"
i said, ' mm, MAYBE!' i am scolding myself even now on y i said that!!!
he said, ya Allah! y u never told me earlier? i would have done something!
i said, that's ok. moreover your niece is here to do my work.
he started telling that he didn't do anything purposely to get rid of me and since i wanted to venture out to have prac exp, he's allowing me to go
i said, ok no problem. let me practice something i have learnt and come back with a good knowledge ( he has told me earlier to come back after a year...)
it seems he felt guilty n thinks that i misunderstood his intentions n i am leaving because of his niece.
to speak truth, i have not considered that as a fact for my departure. i am the one who wanted to leave n i started looking for jobs. if not his niece, i am sure some other person will be taking over my job. as long as they do it well and shares the pressure n stress my boss undergoes, i am happy to let anyone take it. i did not realise that he has taken my MAYBE seriously....
i left for lunch n came back to realise that he's not at desk
i thought maybe he went out for lunch n will come back shortly..
2 hours flied by and he did not come back
within this period, one of my suppliers has called twice for him but i told her dat he's not in the office. she said jokingly if he has fainted somewhere or not. i said better go n wash ur mouth..
arcound 5 plus, fadzilah intercomed and told me that she wanna speaks to me on Wed morning and ask me to come to work early. i asked is it personal... she shares her family problems with me always n i thought it's one of them. but my heart said something wrong. even then my boss did not come back...
called fadzilah out at about 6 n asked her what she wanted to discuss...
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